5 Things NOT to Worry About in Therapy

Psychotherapy is full of both extraordinary potential benefits and some possible pitfalls. But there are some things in psychotherapy that you just shouldn’t spend too much time worrying about. They may seem important or worth worrying about, but it’s just a waste of your time, energy and focus. Here’s a few of them.

1. My therapist is judging me.

A lot of patients spend a lot of time worrying about what their therapist must think of them. That’s because you spend a lot of time sharing deep, emotional and personal stuff in therapy. Some of it may be embarrassing, or some of it may simply be out of the mainstream. Some of it may be things that happened to you as a child, that you had no control of. No matter what it is, you shouldn’t worry that your therapist is judging you. Believe it or not, most psychotherapists have seen and heard a lot of things in their careers. No matter what your story may be, it’s likely they’ve heard or seen worse.

One of the responsibilities and skills of a good therapist is to remain nonjudgmental, no matter their own personal reactions or feelings. Therapists who act or talk in a judgmental manner should be avoided.

2. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say or talk about.

You’re not alone. Virtually anyone who’s tried therapy has experienced a session where they feel hard pressed to come up with a topic to discuss. Some people — and some therapists — try and fill the void with small talk, or socializing. While this is fine if it happens on occasion, it should never be the focus of an entire session (or any significant portion of a session).

Silence is okay. Silence may be awkward at first, but it’s okay. While not every session should be full of many minutes of passing silence, it’s okay to sit quietly while you try and compose your thoughts. It’s also okay to not know what to talk about every session. That’s a normal and natural part of most psychotherapy. A good therapist will help you through this part, and in any case, it’s not something that should cause you much concern.

3. I’m not interesting enough — my therapist must be bored!

You don’t enter psychotherapy to entertain your therapist. While some people may believe they should have "interesting" things to talk about every session, that’s just not a realistic expectation — nor one that your therapist holds. You are there to get help for a specific mental health or relationship problem. Sometimes the conversations you’ll need to engage in to resolve that problem may not be very interesting. But they are all important, and you should recognize that "entertainment value" is not usually high on the list of the reasons psychotherapists enter the profession.

4. Should I know how this works? Should I feel the changes as they take place?

Psychotherapy is not like medications. You take an aspirin for a headache and the headache goes away. You go to a session of psychotherapy and you don’t immediately feel your pain relieved, your depression disappear, or your anxiety take a hike. Psychotherapy takes longer, and sometimes it’s hard to be patient, week after week of sessions.

You won’t know exactly how therapy works or when the changes will take place, as they will take place gradually, often in subtle ways. You may not feel them the same way you feel relief from a headache. You shouldn’t worry too much about this, as the process simply takes time and patience.

5. My therapist watches the clock.

Your therapist wears many hats, and one of those is as a small business person. Their commodity is time, and you’re paying for a portion of that commodity. Your therapist may indeed check the clock once in awhile because it’s in their best interests to do so and end your session on time. But surprisingly, it’s also in your best interests, too. By keeping your sessions on schedule, your therapist is also demonstrating and keeping good boundaries. The ability to keep good therapeutic boundaries is one of the indicators of a good therapist — someone who’s more likely able to help you.

So don’t be too concerned or worried if you catch your therapist glancing at the clock. It may be a little distracting, but it doesn’t mean your therapist cares any less about you. They’re just keeping the relationship professional and focused.

[By John M Grohol, PsyD]

New Year's Resolutions

To be in better health, consider the following"

Health:

1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy/
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2009.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:

1. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
2. Don't have negative thoughts nor worry about things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
3. Don't over do. Set and keep healthy boundaries.
4. Don't take yourself too seriously. No one else does.
5. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
6. Dream more while you are awake.
7. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
8. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
9. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
10. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. Own your emotions.
12. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
13. Smile and laugh more.
14. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:

1. Call your family often.
2. Each day give something good to others.
3. Forgive everyone for everything.
4. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
5. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
6. What other people think of you is none of your business.
7. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:

1. Do the right thing!
2. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
3. GOD heals everything.
4. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
5. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
6. The best is yet to come.
7. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
8. Be happy.

Happy New Year!

When You Are Separated From Those You Love

"But the Lord stood at my side ...." 2 Timothy 4:17 (NIV)

The Christmas holidays tend to magnify the loneliness we feel when we're separated from the ones we love. Many of us have lost our roots, or never had any to begin with, and that can cause loneliness. We can experience the loneliness of separation because of military service, or a career, or an illness.

But the Bible tells us what we can do about our loneliness --

Focus on the needs of others - Get your eyes off yourself and focus outward. Look at how you can serve other people. The Apostle Paul focused on telling more people about Jesus: "But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it" (2 Timothy 4:17 NIV).

Focus on your purpose - Even when the Apostle Paul was isolated in a prison, he never stopped living out his purpose. He wanted everybody to know about God's love.

When you're lonely - Stop building walls and start building bridges! Instead of saying, "I'm so lonely," say, "Father, help me be a friend to people who need a friend. Help me to help lonely people." That is the antidote for loneliness.

You can help others become rich in relationships by giving them the gift of YOU.

[Rick Warren]

Tips on Dating

Rule #1: Listen to Your Gut

Whether you’re on a date, communicating with someone you meet online, or flirting with a cutie you meet in person, it’s important to pay attention and listen to your gut. If a potential date’s actions or words set off an internal alarm system, you owe it to yourself to pay attention and act accordingly. These alarms can be both good and bad. For example, how about if you’ve met someone online and they seem interesting- enough to talk on the phone, right? But then you talk to them on the phone and they sound completely different (in a negative way)- you may decide not to meet them in person. A positive example would be if you were on a date with someone and they seemed nervous but well intentioned, your gut might tell you to give them a second chance. By going on a second date, you’ll gain a better understanding of who they really are and if you’d like to see them again.

Rule #2: Pay Attention to Red Flags

Like those internal alarms that alert you to your gut feelings, you also have an alarm system to alert you to red flags. Sometimes this alarm system is turned way down. As a result, we often ignore red flags and find ourselves getting involved with inappropriate partners because we’re not paying attention. Wrong move- you owe it to yourself to become a red flag specialist- especially on a date. An example of a red flag would be if you found yourself on a date with someone who could not stop talking about their ex. They may be a fantastic person, and eventually make a great partner, but right now they’re not ready. Your job is to pay attention to that red flag and not pursue them.

Rule #3: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

During the course of your dating life you'll most likely find yourself on a date with someone whose actions speak much louder than their words. Maybe they’re attentive and chivalrous to you, but treat the waiter, bartender, and/or valet poorly. Or maybe they claim they’re ready for a long-term relationship, but their wandering eye tells you otherwise. To get the most out of your dating life, it’s important to understand that actions speak louder than words. When someone’s actions are contrary to their words, this is not only a red flag, it’s gut-check time. By paying attention and screening out potential partners whose actions don’t match their words, you cut down on wasted dating time and make it that much easier to attract potential partners worth your time and energy.

Rule #4: Don’t Play Games

Successful singles know what goes around comes around. They also know the importance of being honest and well-intentioned with the people they date. As a successful single, you owe it to yourself and the individuals you date not to play games. Call when you say you’re going to call. Do what you say you’re going to do, and be honest when the other person asks if you’d like to go out again. If you don’t want to see them again, say so in a kind and considerate way. By being honest and letting them down easy, you avoid playing games. Expect the same in return. If you don’t get it, don’t play games by taking that out on the next person you date.

Rule #5: Know When to Say “Game Over”

Just as you should not play dating games, you will want to avoid getting played. Like it or not, there are plenty of players on the dating scene. It’s up to you to know the signs of the player, know their game, and be confident enough to say “game over.” Here’s where that all important "gut-check" pays off- know how to spot a player. A little too charming? A little too self-deprecating? A player wants to engage you in the game. So call it for what it is, and instead of falling for their tactics, simply smile, say “game over,” and walk (better yet, run!) away.

[Research by John Tesh]

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,

“The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints in the sand,

is when I carried you.”

by Mary Stevenson

Men's Brain -- Women's Brain

New Web Site

Check out our new web site at http://sites.google.com/site/relationshipclinic/.

There you will find information about counseling services in Fort Payne, Alabama and Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

8 Ways to Help Your Bipolar Loved One Cope

Depression and bipolar disorder are family diseases. Everyone who shares a kitchen and a bathroom is affected. In fact, in his book Understanding Depression, J. Raymond DePaulo Jr., M.D., writes, "Depression ... has a much greater impact on marital life than rheumatoid arthritis or cardiac illness. One study found that only severe forms of cancer affected a family as adversely as depression or bipolar disorder.

1. Educate Yourself - Education is always the starting point. Because until the spouse or daughter or friend of a manic-depressive understands the illness, it is impossible for them to to say or do the right thing to be supportive. Do your own research by going online.

2. Learn How--and When--to Talk - As a spouse, you shouldn't say much when your loved one is clutching tissues, crying their eyes out. And you should be hesitant to speak when they are manic (not that they would let you get a word in). But when they don't want to get out of bed in the morning, you should remind them why they need to. And when they are revved up, you should be the voice of reason telling them why, for example, a spontaneous trip to New York isn't smart.

3. Make Some Rules - You know all the fire drills in primary school you prayed would happen during your pop math quiz? All those times the school administrators rehearsed what, exactly, would happen in the case of an emergency? Families of bipolar persons need those as well: plans of action for those times when the bipolar person is sick. In order to design such a strategy, the manic depressive and their loved one must compile a list of symptoms -- the equivalents of the smoke and burning smell of a fire -- and what action should accompany each, like "call the doctor." Each family will have a different list of symptoms and a different model of recovery, because no two illnesses are exactly alike.

4. Plan Even More - As part of your plan of action, you should consider what should happen when the bipolar person is very ill. "When you are dealing with a disease that has the potential to become life-threatening, the last thing you want is an improvised response to an emergency situation," writes Francis Mark Mondimore, M.D. in his book Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families.

5. Listen - "When people are talking," writes Rachel Naomi Remen, 'there's no need to do anything but receive them. Just take them in. Listen to what they're saying. Care about it. Most times caring about it is even more important than understanding it."

6. Go Gentle - A little kindness and gentleness toward your loved one -- especially at those times when the bipolar person feels incapable of affection and care -- go a long way to aid recovery.

7. Laugh Together - Humor heals in so many ways. It combats fear as it loosens anxiety's death grip on your heart and every other living organ. It comforts and relaxes. And recent studies indicate that humor also reduces pain and boosts a person's immune system. "Laughter dissolves tension, stress, anxiety, irritation, anger, grief, and depression," says Chuck Gallozzi of personal-development.com. "Like crying, laughter lowers inhibitions, allowing the release of pent-up emotions. After a hearty bout of laughter, you will experience a sense of well-being. Simply put, he who laughs, lasts. After all, if you can laugh at it, you can live with it. Remember, a person without a sense of humor is like a car without shock absorbers." Humor also aids communication, and if there is one thing besides education that is absolutely essential for a healthy relationship with a bipolar loved one, it's strong communication.

8. Support Yourself - Caregiving is draining. Even when you are protecting yourself with the armor of regular sleep, healthy meals, and essential time-outs from your bipolar loved one, caring for a person still takes a toll on both physical and mental health. "It can be exhausting to live with a hypomanic person and frustrating to deal with a seriously depressed person day after day," says Dr. Mondimore. "The changes and unpredictability of the moods of someone with bipolar disorder intrude into home life and can be the source of severe stress in relationships, straining them to breaking point." That's why you need support as much as your loved one. You need to talk to people who have lived with a manic-depressive, and be validated by their experiences. Spouses and family members of bipolar people should consider therapy for themselves, as a way of processing all the stress. You may also benefit from checking out support programs for spouses and loved ones of the mentally ill, like from the National Alliance for Mental Illness.

[by Therese J. Borchard]

Ten Ways to Help a Friend's Struggling Marriage

It's common to know someone whose marriage is in trouble and to be unsure how to help. These 10 practical tips will help you get started helping others.

1. Pray for them by name. Ask God to intervene in their marriage. Ask God to give you and others wisdom to know how to help. Pray in their presence as well as when alone. Send emails and note cards of encouragement.
2. Listen. Listening doesn't mean simply hearing. It involves empathizing, seeking to understand and expressing genuine interest.
3. Don't give advice. Your main job is listening. Leave the advice giving to a pastor, counselor or mentor.
4. Don't make the problem worse. Don't allow your support to be seen as an encouragement to give up or get a divorce. Your job is to help steer them toward the proper help and reconciliation (If addiction or abuse is involved, make sure they get the professional help they need and are safe).
5. Help them think outside the divorce box. Booklets such as When Your Marriage Needs Help, Should I Get a Divorce, and Marriage and Conflict can give couples both research and practical advice to help them consider the facts about divorce and how to get the help they need for their marriage.
6. Help them find the right help. Locate a good, licensed Christian counselor in their area. Ask your pastor or Christian M.D. for a referral. Focus on the Family offers a free counseling consult as well as a free referral service to a Focus-screened marriage therapist.
7. Connect them with a mentor couple. If you are not qualified to help, call your pastor to recommend an older couple who is willing to mentor a younger couple.
8. Refer them to helpful Web sites. Web sites such as TroubledWith, Pure Intimacy and www.FocusOnTheFamily.com offer hundreds of articles, practical advice and resource recommendations on various marriage issues. Focus also offers a Marriage Forum designed to give couples a safe place to talk about struggles and successes in their marriage.
9. Encourage them to work on their problems and not simply expect them to be solved on their own. Focus On The Family offers an online Marriage Checkup which measures over 18 major areas of marriage -- identifying both strengths and weaknesses.
10. Refer them to solid Christian-based books and seminars. Many are available through Amazon and Focus On The Family. Key resources like Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, Love and Respect, Love Must Be Tough, First Five Years of Marriage, Help! We are Drifting Apart, Breaking the Cycle of Divorce, Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage and others can provide needed encouragement and direction.

[By by Mitch Temple, Copyright © 2008, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.]

Reduce Your Worry About Cancer

Little lifestyle changes can lower your odds of hearing the dreaded diagnosis - "cancer." Slip these practices into your routine and worry less.

Stay Weight Wise

Excess pounds boost cancer risk, a study in The Lancet shows. Build an exercise habit now to head off trouble: The American Cancer Society (ACS) recommends aiming for 30 minutes of activity five days a week.

When you hit your 45th birthday, make sure you're also doing 45 minutes of strength training twice weekly to minimize metabolic slowdown. "Beginning in our mid-40s, we lose up to a third of a pound of muscle a year and gain it back as fat, and fat burns fewer calories than muscle," says Miriam Nelson, Ph.D., director of Tufts University John Hancock Center for Physical Activity and Nutrition in Boston.

Nibble a Bit of Chocolate

Hooray - an excuse (except - you don't need one!) Researchers have discovered a compound in dark chocolate that fights fast-growing cancers such as colorectal cancer. "It requires the activity of an enzyme called kinase, which causes cancerous cells to die but leaves normal cells alone," says Richard Pestell, M.D., director of the Kimmel Cancer Center at Thomas Jefferson University in Philadelphia. The finding could even lead to adding chocolate to current cancer treatments.

Practice Peace

Say ahhh! High levels of the stress hormone cortisol may inhibit a key gene from suppressing tumor growth, findings in the journal Genes, Chromosomes & Cancer suggest. Tame tension with this formula from the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center Healthy Lifestyle Program:

- Take deep belly breaths. You slow and elongate brain waves, bringing on calm.

- Watch your favorite comedy. Enjoying a good laugh activates the areas of the brain that govern humor, in turn suppressing the brain's stress regions.

- Adopt an uplifting mantra. Try "I love my life!" and repeat it when you're happy. You will train your mind to associate the phrase with being content. Then when you're on edge, chant your mantra and you'll immediately feel at ease.

Bake, Don't Burn

Grilling beef, poultry and fish until it's charred to a crisp can turn amino acids and other substances in the meat into heterocyclic amines (HCAs), compounds that have been linked to cancer. "HCAs are 10 times more potent than most other environmental carcinogens," says Kenneth Turteltaub, Ph.D., a toxicologist at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in California. Try these ideas:

- Marinate meat before grilling. Soaking chicken breasts in a mixture of cider vinegar, olive oil, lemon juice and spices reduced HCA formation by 92 to 99 percent, notes a study published in Food and Chemical Toxicology. "Marinating creates a barrier between the hot surface and meat, enough to lower the temperature and prevent HCAs from forming," Turteltaub says.

- Keep the grill temp below 325 degrees, the point at which HCAs begin to form. Grill meat or fish in punctured aluminum foil to protect against flare-ups. When fat drips on the hot coals, it forms HCAs, plus other carcinogens called polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons that rise with the smoke.

- Microwave beef burgers for one to three minutes before browning; doing so reduces HCA production by 95 percent, according to a study in Food and Chemical Toxicology. Prior to grilling, discard the juices, which contain the building blocks of HCAs. Flip burgers often — about once a minute. This action keeps meat juices from getting too hot and activating HCA formation.

Avoid Needless Tests

Those full-body computed tomography scans you sometimes see at the mall are bad news: CT scans deliver a dose of radiation 50 to 200 times that of a conventional X-ray. A study from Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston found that for every 1,000 patients screened, an average of 908 would have at least one false-positive result, requiring further testing.

Stick to shopping when you're at the mall, and if your doc orders a non-emergency CT scan (say, to investigate headaches), ask if a radiation-free ultrasound or an MRI can be used instead, says Devra Davis, Ph.D., director of the Center for Environmental Oncology at the Uni versity of Pittsburgh Cancer Institute.

Breathe Easily

Radon is a leading cause of lung cancer among nonsmokers. The odorless radio-active gas is linked to up to 22,000 cancer deaths annually, according to the National Cancer Institute (NCI).

It is released during the decay of uranium, an element found in many soils, and can seep into your house. "When inhaled, radon can break down cell DNA and lead to cancer," Davis explains. To test your home, look for a do-it-yourself kit at a home-improvement store.

Steal These Secrets

Cancer rates in some countries are significantly lower than in the United States, and many experts attribute this to the lifestyles of people in these areas. Adopt these disease-fighting behaviors from afar:

- Spice things up. In India, where breast cancer rates are about five times lower than in the United States, people cook with an abundance of cancer-fighting spices such as cumin, ginger and turmeric. Go for whole grains. Finland natives are known for eating loads of dark rye and other whole-grain breads, which likely contributes to their low colorectal cancer rates. Kick butts. West Africans smoke much less than Americans, which may in part explain why their rates of esophageal cancer are about 60 times lower than ours.

- Cut back on coffee. The number of esophageal cancer cases has jumped 300 percent in the past 20 years, the U.S. Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality reports. A primary cause: chronic reflux, which bathes the throat in stomach acids that can erode tissue. To put out the flames, avoid top triggers like caffeine and alcohol. "They relax the sphincter muscle at the bottom of the esophagus, allowing stomach juices to splash up," says Yvonne Romero, M.D., assistant professor of medicine at the Mayo Clinic College of Medicine in Rochester, Minn.

Be Sunscreen-Savvy

Melanoma rates among young women jumped 50 percent between 1980 and 2004, the Journal of Investigative Dermatology reports.

Apply sunscreen properly: Put on the amount that would fill a shot glass 30 minutes before heading outdoors, then reapply every two hours or after swimming or major sweating. Also, look for broad-spectrum coverage and UVA-filtering ingredients such as Mexoryl, avobenzone and zinc oxide.

Ask About Daily Aspirin

It's not only for heart disease: One a day reduced estrogen-receptor-positive breast cancer risk by 16 percent, NCI research finds. "Aspirin may block cyclooxygenase, an enzyme that could disrupt cancer development, in part by reducing estrogen levels," says lead researcher Gretchen Gierach, Ph.D. More research is needed, though; long-term aspirin use can cause ulcers.

Beware of False Promises

At least 25 companies have misleadingly marketed products containing ingredients like shark cartilage, exotic mushrooms and wild yam as cancer treatments or preventives, prompting the FDA to issue a warning this summer. One supplement, CancerGene, claimed to "help switch on all three genes that inhibit cancer." "These products aren't proven safe or effective," says FDA spokeswoman Rita Chappelle in Rockville, Md.

[research by John Tesh]

Today's Quote

"The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests." - Epictetus